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Tuesday, June 14, 2011

"A Mothers Sorrow"

                                                   "A Mothers Sorrow"

     I remember it like it was yesterday "Your Son Has Autism". That day was a little over three years ago. My heart broke, I tried to talk and all I could do was cry. What, why, would, is he going to be able to have a normal, what?!! I couldn't even form a full sentence, through my heartbroken tears caused by those four words. My tears flowed for two hours after and just when I thought I had got myself together, I would look at my son and the tears would start flowing again. I hated the fact that I was now looking at my son differently. I felt guilty for looking at my son like he was broken or defective some how. Why did that woman have to say those four words? Now what I thought was cute or funny was "Autism". This wasn't cute or funny anymore, this was a sign that my son was never going to have a full life. He was never going to experience all the things in life I thought he would.. He was never going to have friends, girlfriends, marriage, children, a career, driving a car, a life. My son , my beautiful boy was never going to get to live a normal life!
     A few day's after my son's diagnosis I quickly went into denial, she's wrong ,that lady , that so called doctor, doesn't know what she's talking about. Brandon doesn't do that so he doesn't have "Autism" and look he isn't doing that either so he couldn't have "Autism". I was ignoring everything that he clearly did do that was "Autism".
     The doctor said he needed to get into therapy, okay fine , it's not like it's going to hurt him, even though I thought I had convinced myself, he didn't have "Autism". We made the appointment for his therapy evaluation. Today was the day ,off we go to this unnecessary therapy appointment. We got there and I met some parents as their children played and Brandon stayed by my side or crawled under the chair. I started watching these children playing and some even talking, some of them could even read at the age of three, they seemed even more normal than my son. So now that sinking feeling was coming back, that same feeling I had that day when that doctor diagnosed my son, except it was me that was saying it this time "My Son Has Autism". I cried again in the car on the way home, but I knew it was time to brush myself off and do everything I could for my son. My son was going to be the best he could be, whatever that may be. I was going to research and study like I had never done in my whole life. I was his mother and I was supposed to help to guide him and teach him and be there for him whether it was till he was an adult or longer! I couldn't do that if I was to drown in my own sorrows and denial. So I went on my mission and my promise to my son was to "Never Give Up" and "Never Give In" and I will keep that promise to him and do everything I can do, to help him be the best he is possible to be, whatever that is.    "I Love You, Brandon" 
  My son is much better now, but my promise is still there for however long he needs it.

  One last thought:  If you don't let go of your sorrow, you can't help your children live their best tomorrow.

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